Week Ten - Response to Sydney's Week 9 Improv of "Sexism"

The lamest excuse of a man
is when he lies about limp impotency,
telling the woman she's too fat in the
middle, too flabby in the thighs; patching
it up with a touching its not you, its me
spew, a thanks for dinner, and call
ya soon while rushing out the door
before she cries again.

 The lamest excuse of woman
is when she lies prostrate and
moaning, faking the third orgasm
of the night--none of which she
actually felt-- to boost the guys
ego, or his shaft; let him feel like
a man, doing big man things, before
he shrinks back down to size.
_________
First of all, MacKenzie amuses me.
But on to the draft: I think this is sort of awesome. It still has draft-y qualities about it but, well, it's a draft. I agree with MacKenzie that it doesn't quite hit its mark (pun intended a bit, maybe).

One of the best parts isn't the language itself but the general use of each stanza. Like the original, this draft gives a reasoning behind the woman's actions and leaves the man's, basically, unexplained.

This section could definitely be more potent: "patching
it up with a touching its not you, its me
spew, a thanks for dinner, and call
ya soon while rushing out the door
before she cries again."

That end bit edges upon cliche, a woman crying yet again, and though the phrases are intended to be cliched, I'd like to see them woven into the stanza a bit more intruigingly. Does that make sense? What I mean is that right now it stands in only as what he says to her, obvious via the italics, and I think you're capable of doing more with it, which would also raise the phrases out of their simple cliche.

I say this on just about every improv, but: now that you've done the assignment, break out of the original form. Write more of this. Overwrite, then let us help you push it back down to size.

(...I don't know how to make this ugly text background coloring thing go away...)