Extra Credit - Week 12 - Response to Brandy's "Extra Credit: Week 12 Improv"

Contravene

On a perfect square of travertine

flat and brindle, obscure as a map

of the monotonous Sahara,

lays a limp lizard.

Black-faced and striped like the sun

folding into the sky, her legs

darted under the weight of her

snake silhouette. Eyes uncovered,

she watches her own disintegration

like when I watch the fire

crawl down my Virginia Slim,

she ashed like that.

Yet her face kept its shape

despite the heat, the lack

of moisture.

That smooth pearl without shade

or shell had become prey

to her prey, red periling

over her line, her mouth,

the sun’s beam still perfecting

its aim. 

 

This is going to sound uber-cheesy, but: why this lizard? Why do I care about this lizard at all?
I'm not saying the lizard needs to be the Jesus Christ of amphibeans or the turning point of man kind. She doesn't even need to be wearing a party hat or anything fancy like that. Just--why this lizard? What's the point? Is something else going on in the world that this lizard's actions at this particular moment are potent?

"Eyes uncovered,
she watches her own disintegration
like when I watch the fire
crawl down my Virginia Slim,
she ashed like that."

This is sorta a brilliant move--it brings in the "I" and it's an interesting image. But that last line, which is my favorite of this section, doesn't make sense syntactically, I think.

If you're looking for somewhere to expand, I'd say here:
"Yet her face kept its shape
despite the heat, the lack
of moisture"

The difficult task of staying beautiful as a lizard is...different.

But, overall, I'd disagree with your suggestion that it needs to be expanded. I think, size-wise, it's pretty solid. You just need to do a little bit more within those lines.