Extra Credit - Week 9 - Response to Emmanuel's "Improvisation 1, Week 11"

The Silent Victim
by Emmanuel Reddish

They found in her jewelry box a ring
that was slipped on her finger
at one time till death did her
and the husband apart.
Death had now come
and did deal a pretty card.
The dirt now lay around
and under her nails, in her nostrils,
wiped upon her face marks the date.

Her aunt hugged her,
gave her bandaids for the wounds that healed,
but did not provide the gauge
for the unhealable wound that was to come.

When her cousin gave a room
with food and drink, a cover
from the storm that always poured
when it rained, she denied
the benefits it gave.

So, those who still remain,
Thus did the foolish girl die.

We need to know more. I see where LaRue thinks domestic abuse, but I don't think that's incredibly evident in the piece. At least, not as evident as it could easily be.

That opening part is kind of cool and I wonder if you could do more with it. Could you characterize the woman with the things she left behind? It's your choice if you want to connect them all to her husband or not, but it would be a way to give us some of her history and personality and still focus on the death. Be careful--death is not an easy thing to handle.

Right now, it's just a lot of questions. What's up with the aunt? What happened, exactly, that she had to give her bandages? I don't understand the stanza with the cousin--the "storm" and "rain" thing threw me off. How did she die? Who found her? Where was she found? What did she do right before she died? What was she about to do? What did she eat? Not how the husband felt but--what was the last thing of his that she touched? Something like that. Go in an unexpected direction if you're going to do something like death.

LaRue is definitely right about the couplet. Right now it's just weighting your piece down with heavy, proper language. Also, if it's domestic abuse, I understand the reasoning behind the title, but it isn't doing anything special right now. Focus on the silent. Heck, make her a mime. Just do something interesting with it.