The room is quiet, and no women whisper.
They wait for years in the quarters,
until around the corner, the story screams.
The might of the lip is as sharp as the blade.
Cliche enough to make them all gag.
They wait again for years in the quarters,
til finally a smiling story comes about.
The soul of a woman, like the sleeping volcano.
peace is at ease, until awaken.
To literally pummel everything in the way.
So, there are several lines in here worth using, for sure, but we need something more concrete. "Around the corner, the story screams"--what story, exactly? Give us the narrative, in detail. I would keep that rather than "a smiling story," which doesn't have the same pull, doesn't urge for further detail. "The soul of a woman, like the sleeping volcano" is a great notion and could be utilized better with some reordering and cutting, maybe. It reads a bit prosey, to me, though that may be the result of its place in this particular poem. What I mean is, there isn't enough punchy language around it to merit a line that quiet.
No comments:
Post a Comment