When the Street Lights Came On
As a child, I had that locked up in hopscotch feeling.
Garbled lines of jump rope and Laffy Taffy curled around
my world and I lived for Playdough blisters in elbows, in shoe soles.
I lived for sandy collisions on bikes that tarred up knees,
for mothers divulging pavement encrusted skin
in slathers of soap and slapping us with peroxide.
Puddles of Snoopy’s ears, jaw, nose,
collected for later keeping in the bend of your elbow
and berries like blisters smashed up with dinosaur leaves and mud.
When juggled teeth still crumbled Doritos,
no one noticed Fisher Price picnicking
with Crayola continents atop Matchbox racetrack mats.
When we had fence play, when we had box play,
when we had shed play and sewer play.
When the streetlights came on, the hierarchy emerged:
the kids willing to toss their ice cream man money
on that Fisher Price bench, and wager the bet
they could squeeze ten, fifteen, thirty minutes of
Tag time out of their parents, before they were
remembered, or succumbed to.
This seems like a decent draft linguistically. I really love the references of all the childhood brand-names, many of which also dot my past. You don't expect to see words like "doritos' in poems, or "Matchbox racetrack mats". I'm pretty sure I had one of those at one point. I don't think anyone has ever said "juggled teeth", so well done there. I'm confused by carrying snoopy in your elbow. Are you talking about those little ice-cream bars and the act of one melting? All in all this draft is a linguistic gem mine, but I'd like to see it taken up a notch in either form or narrative content. How could you make this draft, for instance, really uncomfortable to the reader?
ReplyDeleteWorkshop Critique of
ReplyDeleteWhen the Street Lights Came On
This twenty line poem reminds one of child-hood days and the delights that came along with them. Jenna reminds us all of what happened [When the street lights came on]. A four-word hyphenated modifier is used in the first line of the poem, but is missing the hyphens. To aid style, the hyphens should be added in and the modifiers will look as follows: “locked-up-in-hopscotch feeling.” In the second line, “Garbled” appears as a descriptive word and works well with “lines of jump rope.” I would retain the word garbled for sure. “Laffy Taffy,” an obvious candy eaten as children “curled around my world,” is interesting and unusual and certainly should be retained. The fourth line of the poem mentions “sandy collisions on bikes.” The word “sandy” at first appeared to me as a color, yet upon a second reading, it possibly denotes actual sand that children play in so often. Regardless of intended meaning, either meaning works well and should be retained. The word “divulging” in the fifth line makes me uncomfortable and I would like to see it replaced with the word “immersing” or another descriptive word of the author’s choice. The word “us” used in line six can also be replaced. Upon reading; it reads like abstraction.
The second stanza displays strength with repetition of “when we had,” and “play.” These phrases remind the reader of the importance of child “play.” Lastly, the last stanza denotes the importance of parents with the phrase “the hierarchy emerged:” This line demonstrates poetic strength and should be retained. As a matter of fact, the entire last stanza should be retained as is. I would only change the “T” in “Tag” to a lower case “t.” I like this poem very much.