Week Seven - Response to Kamau's "Improv 1 Week 7"

The Vacation - Wendell Berry
Once there was a man who filmed his vacation.
He went flying down the river in his boat
with his video camera to his eye, making
a moving picture of the moving river
upon which his sleek boat moved swiftly
toward the end of his vacation. He showed
his vacation to his camera, which pictured it,
preserving it forever: the river, the trees,
the sky, the light, the bow of his rushing boat
behind which he stood with his camera
preserving his vacation even as he was having it
so that after he had had it he would still
have it. It would be there. With a flick
of a switch there it would be. But he
would not be in it. He would never be in it.



The Trip

There was a boy who recorded his death.
He went wrecklessly down the road in his 95 cadillac with his recorder mounted to the dash, making a motion picture of the concrete road he drove upon which his american muscle car smoothly allowed him to do.
He shared his death with his recorder, which captured it,
holding it forever within its grasps, the hills, the rocks, the mounatins, the street lights, the hood of his red cadillac which behind the steering wheel he sat with his recorder holding his death in a live manner. So that he would always be able to recall. It would always be remembered. Upon his finding someone would press play and be able to understand his pains, and why he did what he did. The recorder would be the only thing still in tact. But he would never be again. Only the recorded.


I think this is an intruiging draft, Kamau. Typically, and I say this somewhat ironically because I've written a horrible slew of it, death is a subject to be avoided. In this case, you may get a pass, though. I understand that this is an improv but if you want to go further with this, you'll need to seperate it substantially from the original. Keep the idea, alter the format.

Something you may want to retain from his: his ability to use repetition in a flipping awesome way. "Making a moving picture of the moving river upon which his sleek boat moved swiftly
toward the end of his vacation" is great because he uses "move" three times PLUS swiftly...and it works. I like your section that riffs off of this, but see if you can inject a little of this linguistic move into your own peice.

After that, I'd keep that section and your later part about the recorder being the only thing left in tact. Trash the expected lines like "always being remembered." Those two sections are your most promising, along with the concept of recording one's death. Using those three elements together will strengthen the draft and allow you to move away from the original. And do something with the form.