The Tree and the Sky
by Tomas Tranströmer
There’s a tree walking around in the rain,
it rushes past us in the pouring grey.
It has an errand. It gathers life
out of the rain like blackbird in an orchard.
When the rain stops so does the tree.
There it is, quiet on clear nights
waiting as we do for the moment
when the snowflakes blossom in space.
Autumn and the Coyote
by Pauline Rodwell
A coyote prowls around my neighborhood.
It crossed the street one sunny morning.
The yardman saw it. It hunts prey
in the right-of-way like a lion in the outback.
When the sun sets it settles down.
I hear it, high-pitched and hungry,
howling for a mate like we do
when leaves kaleidoscope into autumn
What you got from this draft, defiitely, is "leaves kaleidoscope into Autumn." New and awesome, love it. Hold it close and dear.
What I wonder is if you could add some more of that kind of language to the draft. The original is intruiging because it's so "off"--what does it mean for a tree to be walking around in the rain? Yours is kinda opposite: whyis a coyote in the suburbs? Odd, but understandable. Kaleidoscope as a verb, for me, conjurs an explosion? Or, maybe, a falling apart? I see it as colors falling into other colors, disappearing, etc.
I'd like to see that in your draft--you have the possibility with the sun, definitely. Likewise, can you make this really suburb-y, to pull out the contrast of the coyote a bit more?
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