Week Seven - Response to Sheila's "Week Seven - Free Entry"

Free Entry week Seven Revision of Good Weave

Good Weave
Old Version

Stunning mop, strands extend long
Beneath the shoulders, it falls and shimmers.
Mollified! The length works well,
Opted for straight, not kinky this time,
Number 17B, need to jot this down!
The price tag, oh well worth it,
Fingers benefit, gliding from side to side,
Hope to sleep okay, in spite of the torment,
Got to get out and show-off to my friends,
Love my new weave; it’s better than that nap!

Good Weave
Revised Version

Stunning mop, threads extended
below narrow blades, falls like Niagara and shimmers Brazilian dried.
Placated, the distance means all,
Opted for straight, no kinkiness for a time,
Figure 17B, required to dot down
The rate, worth its value for the pocket
Extremities profit, gliding from side to side,
Optimistic about dozing, in spite of the torment,
Countless companions to tell
Adore my garden-fresh weave; so better than nap


I can see clear improvement between the drafts, Sheila. Your word choice stepped up a bit and the second draft seems more a bit more daring. Still, your reader will only have the completed draft, so let's see what more we can do for your revision.

I'm going to contradict myself a bit: In most of the poems I've seen you share so far, you've utilized fragmented sentences or sentences that seem to be missing key components, like a subject. In some cases, fragments are great ways to emphasize an element of your writing--but overuse of them dulls the sensation.

Here, you do that. Notice the long strain of sentences that have no subject--who'se jotting down the rate? Who opted for no kinkiness? Who has countless companions to tell? The first line forefronts this issue: Putting an "A" before "stunning" easily remedies the subject problem--it makes the "stunning mop" the subject in a way your current draft does not. This isn't to say you should have a slew of "I" in your poems. Rather, go for some sentence variation in a way other than just cutting out words.

Despite that, the poem could do away with some unneccessary words here and there. For example, "falls like Niagara and shimmers Brazilan dried" is pretty good, but the "like" and "and" seem bulky to me; it could be personal preference, because the traditional simile structure seems too visible to me, but given how invested you appear to be in cutting out components of your sentences, these are easy words to toss.

You loose me toward the end. It's clearer what's going on in the first draft, but that's only because the original is in simplistic language. Retain your more sophisticated language (or, maybe, try to ironically use colloquial diction), but allow the poem to explain itself more clearly.

Punctuation would help.