Week Four - Response to Pauline's "Week # 4--Improv #2"

Two Poems

            By Andrei Voznesensky

I

Over a dark and quiet empire

alone I fly—and envy you,

two-headed eagle who at least

have always yourself to talk to.

II

To hang bare light bulbs from a ceiling

simple cord will always serve;

it’s only the poet who must hang

by has glaring white spinal nerve.

I

Under a bright and treeless sky

in tandem we stroll—but gasp when

a wide-winged heron swoops by

to warn us of a close coyote’s den.

II

In putting bone china teacups away

extra care must be the rule;

it’s always the sloppy one

who must play the part of fool.

I really enjoy the presented subject of the first stanza--of two people strolling "in tandem," being warned of coyotes by a heron. "But gasp," however, doesn't seem to be doing you any poetic favors. Given the surprising nature of this singular moment the poem illustrates, "but gasps" lacks fervor; I mean, obviously, gasping is an expected reaction--but I think you're too good at word play, Pauline (from what I've seen so far), to fall in to expected reaction.

Likewise, the beauty, in my opinion, of Voznesensky's "II" is the entirely unexpected idea of a poet hanging on a "glaring white spinal nerve." Yours seems to do the opposite by ending on "who must play the part of the fool," which is a cliche. While I think this could certainly work, that would only be the case when displayed alongside the original poem. When standing alone, the irony of your second stanza isn't apparent. Why not try to draft a different second stanza--with the same subject, because the simplicity of that day to dayness is perfect juxtaposed with the surprise of the first stanza--in which you forgo cliches? It never hurts to overwrite!