Another try at the replacement calisthenic. It's kinda fun, kinda difficult. I stuck more to the actual poem this time, in terms of leaving in the words that weren't nouns or adjectives, etc.
Original is by Plath (I did get this off of a website, so let's hope it's true to form:)
Female Author
All day she plays at chess with the bones of the world:
Favored (while suddenly the rains begin
Beyond the window) she lies on cushions curled
And nibbles an occasional bonbon of sin.
Prim, pink-breasted, feminine, she nurses
Chocolate fancies in rose-papered rooms
Where polished higboys whisper creaking curses
And hothouse roses shed immortal blooms.
The garnets on her fingers twinkle quick
And blood reflects across the manuscript;
She muses on the odor, sweet and sick,
Of festering gardenias in a crypt,
And lost in subtle metaphor, retreats
From gray child faces crying in the streets.
Mine:
All mile the country man whistles at signs with the clowns of the town:
Favored (while suddenly the stalks begin
Beyond the gravel) he hugs on cottons stiffened
And tracks an occasional cursing of sin.
Curved, tabacco-stained, puckered, he sloshes
bottle leftovers in yellow-splintered porch swings
Where crumbled donkeyboys snort roadside curses
And claimed women shed professional unfolding.
The horn on his knee clonks tracks
And spit swings across the steps;
He cloughs on the trappings, clodden and powdered,
Of festering waves in a puddle,
And lost in subtle cycle, falls out
From juggled clogged teeth howling in the chair.
Right off the bat, I'm seeing a conflict in tone. The "all mile" and "country man" parts lean toward a serious, minimalist tone (although I might suggest replacing country. It's a bit too general.), but "clowns of the town" makes a strange little rhyme. It also creates a more sing-songy tone than the first half of the line.
ReplyDeleteThe "cursing of sin" is another section I have trouble with. Generally, "sin" would be considered an abstraction, but in the original piece, it works because we get the very specific, unexpected image of the bonbon. In your piece, we're seeing two abstract words back to back with cursing and sin. You talk about walking next to cotton fields. Maybe take something from the field and use it to embody sin, like the little thorns (I don't remember what they're actually called. Nits?) that surround the cotton? That could be interesting to work with.
Toward the end, it gets pretty clunky. Lots of harsh consonants right next to each other make it difficult to read and understand. Also, in the original there is a very specific rhyme scheme that is absent in your piece. It's fine if that's a choice, but I didn't notice it in hers until after the first read, so I figured I would mention it just in case you wanted to work with that as well. Good draft so far!